THE NIGHT OF A THOUSAND HAS-BEENS
I’ve long joked about producing an evening of variety entertainment, which I refer to as, The Night of a Thousand Has-Beens. I’d always imagined it would be hosted by Pia Zadora and Jaleel White (who played Urkel on Family Matters). They would begin the evening by singing something like a medley of “There’s No Business Like Show Business” and “Ebony and Ivory. The format would loosely resemble an awards show, complete with a red carpet entrance, an endless stream of over-dressed people making podium speeches and tacky song and dance acts. Of course, no actual awards would be handed out, but it would be a last hurrah of sorts for people like Barry Williams, Stella Stevens and Mary Lou Rettin.
Perhaps the window of opportunity for this type of extravaganza has passed. First of all, former celebrities who used to go off to set up pet shelters in small towns — and leave the public to wonder “what ever happened to them” — have now found new lives parodying themselves on reality television shows. For example, on their VH1 program “My Fair Brady,” Chris Knight and Florence Henderson reenact a facsimile of their Mother and son television roles in which Henderson gives Knight psychological advice about his new relationship with a much younger girlfriend. Or, how about Danny Bonaduce’s, “Breaking Bonaduce,” in which he takes a camera into his marriage counseling sessions to expose the kind of ugly, real-life dysfunction no one could make up. (Too bad Florence Henderson isn’t Danny’s counselor. Think of the possibilities.)
For those who don’t have the nerve or lack of esteem to bare themselves, doogie-poo-and-all, Osbourne-style on reality shows, there is yet another venue: Larry King Live on CNN. Where else can one tune in to see the geriatric and mean-spirited Jerry Lewis being treated like he’s still the funniest man alive? Who, but Larry would have the nerve to celebrate the nuptials of Liza Minnelli and her obviously gay husband — on more than one occasion, and without irony? And who, but the man who foisted Nancy Grace on the unsuspecting public, is so interested in the wives, children and parents of dead or washed-up stars that he has spent the golden years of his career interviewing them?
If ever there was to be a Night of a Thousand Has-Beens, Larry King’s recent 25-year Anniversary party, held at Spago Restaurant, was surely it. There were some who likely couldn’t be taken off of life-support or leave their rehabs, in order to attend, but here’s who came:
Clay Aiken, Valerie Allen, Tom Arnold, Marcia Clark, Joan Dangerfield (wife of deceased Rodney), Angie Dickenson, Barbara Eden, Farrah Fawcett, Mark Geragos, Kathy Griffin, Josh Grobin, Merle Haggard, Terri Hatcher, Tippi Hedren, Marilu Henner, Dennis Hopper, Joe Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, LaToya Jackson (but not Michael), Jenny Jones, Wynonna Judd, Frank Langella, Cloris Leachman (hey, how did she get on this list), Richard Lewis, Ian McShane, Jayne Meadows, Mike and Irena Medavoy, Donna Mills, Poppy Montgomery, Paul Reiser, Eva Marie Saint, Connie Seleca, Tony Shaloub, Bob Shapiro, William Shatner, Joe and Tina Simpson (Jessica and Ashlee’s parents), Tina Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Suzanne Sommers, Connie Stevens, Rod Stewart, John Tesh, Alan Thicke, Tanya Tucker, Lindsay Wagner, Raquel Welch and Warren G.
All I want to know is, who the hell forgot to invite David Gest and Elizabeth Smart’s parents? And, more importantly, why, oh why, wasn’t the whole thing on TV?
