Recently, I began writing for the satirical website Fake Gay News. It’s based on The Onion’s model, only written by lesbians about GLBT issues. (This constrains the humor, but we do our best). Within two weeks after starting, Erosion Media, the company that owns Fake Gay News and sister sites After Ellen and After Elton, was sold to Logo, the gay cable station. Logo, itself, is owned by corporate media behemoth, Viacom. So, it looks like I’m writing for Viacom, which will really spiff-up my resume.
It’s intriguing to see which of my stories FGN will post, and which get rejected. For instance, they liked one about how children raised by same sex couples were just as unruly as children from straight homes. However, they did not post one about “dolphin safe” underwear. I suspect that some of the stories they reject are just not that funny. It wouldn't be the first time I'm the only one laughing at my jokes.
Still, in the interest of science, I will be posting my rejects here.
New ‘Dolphin Safe’ Garment Line Accidentally Swells Lesbian Ranks NationwideWhat started as a conversation between one lesbian and her hot, bi-curious, college roommate has turned into an inadvertent new wave of lesbian recruitment the magnitude of which has not been seen since toaster ovens were first offered to new converts.
“There we were, sitting on my bed. I’d lighted some candles and was pretending to help her study for her women’s history exam,” explained Annette Klondike. “Well, one thing led to another. Then, just as we were rounding third base, she stopped dead in her tracks and asked, “Is it safe?”
It’s a familiar question to many lesbians who grew up in an era in which mothers would not let their children touch a tuna salad sandwich unless the can from which it was made had a perky dolphin on the label.
“At first I thought she was talking about STDs. Then it dawned on me that what she really meant was that if it smells like fish, it needs a seal of approval,” said Klondike of the “ah-ha” moment from which “Dolphin Safe” lesbian underwear was born.
The line of bikinis, thongs and boxer shorts designed and sold by Klondike’s Something’s Fishy label — featuring a familiar smiling dolphin, and the word “safe” silk-screened onto the crotch — began in her dorm room that semester. After selling out her first run of 100 pairs by word-of-mouth, she opened an e-shop on the Internet two years ago and began selling the undies in earnest.
Business was brisk from the beginning, but what really astonished Klondike were the letters she began receiving from customers.
One such missive, from the thousands she receives, expresses a recurring sentiment: “I was sitting on the fence about this gay thing because I wasn’t sure if any animals would be harmed by my urges. But, once I saw that happy dolphin peeking out at me, I knew I what I was about to do was, not only right for me as a person, but right for the planet, too.”
In addition to letters from new converts, she receives many notes of gratitude from dyed-in-the-wool lesbians who tell her that her products have allowed them to score with women they once thought untouchable.
Most surprising, is that her panty line has been responsible for a new boom of conversions to the ranks of lesbians nationwide. Membership in PFLAG, GLADD, the Lesbian Avengers, Dykes on Bikes and other GLBT organizations has doubled since The Gap began selling the Something’s Fishy line in their retail stores last November.
PFLAG spokesperson Betty DeGeneres recently admitted that there was only so much her daughter could do on her own. “Yes, our organization was inundated with new members after my daughter came out on national TV. Everyone wants to identify with someone rich and famous. However, Annette’s tasteful line of undergarments has made coming-out a green alternative, and one that everybody can swallow — hook, line and sinker,” she quipped.
Cities across the country are already wondering how they will accommodate the extra visitors to GLBT Pride celebrations in June. San Francisco’s mayor, Gavin Newsom, says that, in addition to shutting down the Castro neighborhood and the downtown parade route, he’s planning to rope off most of Chinatown, the Mission, North Beach, the Wharf and SOMA to contain the overflow. “It’s always great to host a Pride celebration. But, with all the additional women this year, I’m a little worried. What if their periods synch-up?”
None of this is a problem to Klondike, who is currently finalizing a deal to sell her products in Target stores. With this new distribution contract, she said, she hopes to achieve the kind of penetration that has eluded her in the past.
And what happened to that sexy roommate whose hesitation began this lesbian juggernaut?
“You know how it goes,” Annette said. “She ended up with my ex and they’re trying to get pregnant. But it’s got me thinking about Underoos.”
